Beginning of the Holidaze

I've been a little MIA lately. Basically a lot of preparation (physical, spiritual, and emotional) has been going into last weekend.

Invitations were made and went out:

 In the meantime, I went and saw Glen Phillips and Grant-Lee Phillips in concert:

And had a giant bonfire down at my friend's farm, complete with jamming out to the guitar with my buddy Kyle:

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving I started baking for Thanksgiving:

I made it through my entire list! And my brilliant friend Berg suggested the best thing to top off a busy day - a pedicure! It promptly replaced one of the items on the list:

Thanksgiving Day started out bright and early at 4:30. I took my friend Chris to the airport en route to picking up my friend Brett. We got home around 6, talked for an hour or so, then both passed out. I woke up around 9 to get started on the meal. Our friends started arriving around 3 and we started the feast around 3:30. We had a pretty big crowd (10 people total!). For some reason, I didn't take any pictures of the rest of Thanksgiving - just the place setting...
 

Post dinner we went and did Korean Family Karaoke with a group of friends. The rest of the weekend was a whirlwind of the best of Dallas - the Aquarium, Sixth Floor Museum, Whirlyball, Galleria (where I picked up these beauties), Biking around White Rock Lake, The Porch, Torchy's Tacos, and ICE! @ the Gaylord Texan.

This week I got up the Christmas decorations. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! (Even if we are experiencing 80 degree weather here in Texas in December!)

My cousin Clark has Downs. He is a sweetheart and has reached the age where he can go on dates. I have had my heart touched the last few weeks as I've seen on his Facebook pictures of him and his friends posing for pictures before a school formal dance, with a lovely lady on his arm. And today he posted pictures of the way his date asked him to Sadie Hawkins and how he said yes. It warms my heart so much to see such awesome ladies helping to give sweet Clark the chance to have the same awesome high school experiences as every other kid.

While We're On the Subject...

I guess last weekend Elder Oaks spoke at a regional YSA conference and gave this analogy:

"Imagine that your favorite hobby is stargazing and you've just joined a stargazing club. You come to your first club activity eager to participate. It's a cold night, but you're not concerned:  most of the club members are wearing club jackets, and you've been told you should be able to get one as well. But there is no jacket for you. You ask about it, and you are told to keep looking and that if you do your best, you will find a jacket when the time is right.

"Meanwhile, you are getting pretty cold and a little worried. And you notice that most of the other club members are talking about how nice and warm their jackets are. In fact, throughout the evening the topic surfaces continually in various forms: how to wash and dry your jacket, how to add extra pockets, how to mend it, and so forth. Some of the club members notice you don't have a jacket. 'You really need a jacket for these activities,' they tell you. 'Why don't you have one yet?'" 

He apparently was referencing an Ensign article from June 2002 by Kathy Grant.

I'm Alive & Well

Lest any of you were concerned, it's been a rough few days, but I'm alive, I'm happy, I'm healthy, and my birthday turned out just fine. The 27th birthday came and went, ended on a really high note, and we move forward.

I don't want to be single anymore, and that's been the case for a long time. I apologize that the facade slipped away for a moment. I'll do my best to keep up the rouge of my having a good time for a bit longer.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To

Or maybe that was party???

I'm turning 27. 27! By the time my parents were 27, they had two kids. I have a great career that I don't want (that doesn't mean I'm not grateful for the ability I have to provide for myself). I have a boat load of travels under my belt. I have a lot of blessings, a lot of things to be grateful for, and I try my darndest every day to thank my Heavenly Father for them.

But.

I'm 27. And I'm single. And I'm very single. In the last 10 years, the following experiences have taken place:

1. I liked Tahoe guy. He liked my sister.
2. I liked Loveland guy. He dated my sister.
3. I liked MBA guy. He married my roommate.
4. I liked PwC guy. He's practically engaged to a good friend.
5. I liked Ft. Worth guy. He dated my good friend.
6. I kind of? dated Pick Up Truck guy. He's engaged to a near and dear friend.

I think of that poignant moment in Sense & Sensibility when Elinor tells Mariann that Willoughby in fact did love her. And Mariann quietly states, "But not enough."

I once had a guy (No. 6) tell me that he liked me, but not enough to really date me. (Hence the "kind of?" above). Imagine my distress when New Fellow moves to town and the terrible fact stares us right in the face: my roommate and I are both interested. We talked about it. But that sick feeling in my gut just won't go away. That feeling that yet again I will be thrown out with the bathwater, so to speak, while yet another (trust me, amazing and deserving) friend gets to take home the prize. Right in front of my face. That yet again I am forced to endure the realization that I'm not enough.

Trust me, I realize in my heart of hearts, deep down, that I am amazing and beautiful and capable and enough to that enigmatic someone. But that doesn't stop me from breaking down and crying out to God saying, "I can't do this again." Because while I know I've survived it before, it hurts. Bad. Bad enough for me to close the door on a good friend and quite frankly, rudely say, "I don't want to talk about this. Please go."

I want to be confident that things will work out, sooner rather than later. That this feeling of urgency I've been feeling pressing down on me, almost suffocating me, has to do with the need to be prepared for the big M and not some other horrible trial that I don't think I can handle.

I'm 27. I'm single. I have so many good blessings in my life. It would be such a tragedy for me to not recognize that I have had some amazing opportunities because I'm 27 and single.

But I don't want to be single anymore.

On A Boat

Sometimes on a Wednesday night you go hang out with your friends on a boat. And sometimes they do cool tricks. I'll get there one day guys, one day.

 

Stick Shifts & Safety Belts

I took the roomie out to drive tonight. We've been planning forever and ever to get out and for me to teach her how to drive a stick, and tonight it just so happened that both of us were done with our Saturday night plans about 9 p.m. So off we went. We found a church parking lot close to a neighborhood.

As soon as she got in the driver's seat, I said, "Now, you're going to kill it. A lot. It will probably jerk and make an awful sound. That's normal. Just be prepared." She got it going the very first time! That didn't last though. Afterwards, she made the comment that she thought, "I've done it once, I can just keep doing it. Nope, it doesn't work like that." Nevertheless, she was a trooper.

So we worked on starting and stopping. Then I let her shift up into second. We practiced lots of stopping and starting and shifting into second. Lots. At one point, a security guard was driving through the parking lot. We were slightly concerned he would stop us, and I found myself secretly hoping the roomie would kill the car so he would know what we were up to. Sure enough, I think he got the hint.

We did more stopping and starting, then ventured into the neighborhood so she could get up to speed to put the car into third. We found the street had a lot of stop signs, which she hated but I knew was good for her to practice. We found ourselves back into the church parking lot where I insisted she work on stopping and starting again. At one point she asked, almost begging, "Can I please put it in second?" So I let her. Then we commenced the starting and stopping.

At this point, I started noticing how hot I was feeling. Then I realized that old familiar feeling of my favorite friend, motion sickness. I casually said something to the roomie about it. We kept at the starting and stopping, turning around and starting and stopping. I commented again on how I wasn't feeling well, to which she said, "Oh I totally forgot you weren't feeling well! I've probably made you so sick you can't drive us home! Do you want to stop?" For some reason, I just said, "Oh, I'll probably throw up and and feel fine and then be able to drive us home." I always say I'll throw up, but never do. We were behind the church, and so I said, we'll start and stop all the way down this stretch, then I'll let you get it fast enough to put it into second, then we'll call it a night."

She stopped the car. I got out, then realized I should walk a bit. I walked over to a little grassy spot and found myself throwing up. Hoping my roomie wasn't watching, but afraid she was, I crouched down low. After what seemed like an eternity, I popped up. Sure enough, she had been watching the entire time! "I felt like I needed to give you moral support!" She said, after she complimented how gracefully I purged my stomach contents. 

To be honest, while I said I would probably throw up and feel better, I really wasn't expecting to actually do it. I hardly ever throw up, considering I hate it so much. We found ourselves laughing hysterically about it. Best part about it, roomie will always have a great story to tell about the first time she got behind the wheel of a stick.

Desiderata

At the memorial service I attended recently, this lovely prose was read.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. 

© Max Ehrmann 1927

The Kamps

A dear family friend passed away a couple of weeks ago and I was honored to attend his memorial service. Raymond Kamp is the late husband of my dear friend, Mary Lyle Kamp. Mrs. Kamp was my piano teacher for several years, and in addition to teaching me music, she taught me a lot about life. I remain close with her, even now, and am very saddened for her that her sweet husband has passed away.

They have such a lovely story, Raymond and Mary Lyle. Mary Lyle Dulaney went to school at Oklahoma City University to study music. Raymond had gone to military school (he was a naval aviator), and decided in his mid-twenties to go back and get a business degree from OCU. He took a music appreciation class, and it's told that when he passed by a practice room he liked the music he heard from inside, but even more so he liked the gal that was making it. He told his friends that he was going to marry that girl, even before he met her.

When word got back to Mary Lyle about Raymond's plans to marry her before they had even met, her simple response was, "Don't be ridiculous." Her friend responded, "But Mary Lyle, you haven't seen him." They would court, much to the chargrin of Raymond's older sister, who once told him, "Raymond Kamp, you stay away from that Mary Lyle Dulaney. She's a nice girl."

Raymond waited for her every day outside the music building. They eventually married, and within a few years had started a family. She would go on to get her Masters in Music, and taught lessons for years to come.

Raymond's final words to Mary Lyle were, "Mary Lyle, Mary Lyle. I love you. I'll be waiting for you at the bottom of the stairs."

I love the Kamps. I say they are family friends, but really they are just family.

Google Reader and Other Thoughts

I finally joined the ranks of my comrades and officially got situated with Google Reader. This had proved to be a very fortunate thing. It's like I was in the dark ages before, and now I am with the rest of the modern world. I wouldn't say it has changed my life, but it certainly has made it easier. If only I could figure out how to get those posts just emailed to me, now that would change my life. For all you private bloggers, you're totally cramping my style now.

In other news, my AC in both my apartment and my car are broken. Seeing as how I live in Texas and Summer is in full swing, it has made for a very unpleasant period of time. The car is the worst and has been broken for a couple of months now. I thought I would be able to go without getting it fixed (the part is like $250 and only one side...the driver's side...is broken). Driving home from work in traffic, the other day, I finally caved. I called and set up an appointment for tomorrow to have it fixed.

The apartment AC broke this week. Apparently there is a leak and we need a new evaporator coil. The part comes in tomorrow, so it should be fixed by the time I get home from work. In the meantime, they set me up a window unit which is happily situated in my room. The roomie has been out of town and gets back tonight. We may just be bunking together tonight to beat the heat. For the rest of the day, I plan to hang out in my room. On my bed. With the lights off. I'm grateful for the window unit, but it isn't the same as AC. Plus it kind of stinks. I really am grateful for AC when it works. I told Heavenly Father so today when I walked into a very cold chapel.

Promotion Day!

Friday, June 22 was Promotion Day! Of course, promotions aren't official until July 1, but since what we accountants know how to do (other than accounting, of course) is par-tay!

I was kicked out of work about 3:30 on Thursday so they could add some love and affection to my desk in honor of my promotion. I went and got pedicures with my best work buddy Savannah and came home to these from my darling roomie C.

I happily went in late the next morning and discovered they had successfully trashed my desk, in addition to making it really cute:

The promotees got to go to lunch with the partners at the Crescent Club, followed by festivities at the House of Blues. The next day, I headed to this place:

I went to Tahoe for a few days. So, after letting my desk sit for a few days whilst I basked in great weather, I came back. It might have taken me 4 hours to clean it up, but I got all that confetti out of my drawers.

up in smoke

one of my favorite movies is the devil wears prada. and one of my favorite scenes is when nigel and andy are in the room with all the copy and talking about working for a magazine. they start discussing so called "work/life balance." andy says, "my personal life is falling apart." nigel quips back, "that's what happens when you start doing well at work. let me know when your entire life goes up in smoke. then it's time for a promotion."

well, apparently it's appropriate that i'm getting promoted. that's right. my entire life is up in smoke.

all kidding aside, i chuckled to myself tonight while thinking about some of the hard things i'm going through. some of them are self-imposed, others not so much. mostly all of it is exacerbated by working my tail off at work. which, incidentally, is paying off because i found out today officially i'm moving up in the public accounting world.

please hold the applause. because now i'm just trying to salvage a friendship, learn to forgive myself, and just keep swimming.

okay, maybe a small round of applause wouldn't be TOTALLY unappreciated...

mental breakdown

i'm pretty sure this is what a mental breakdown is like.

maybe it's time i really considered therapy.

I just finished my friend's book. Yes, I have a friend who just published a book. It's a little surreal, but mostly I feel just dang unproductive in my life. Maybe a little bit like Rory did when she realized Jess had published his first book. Gilmore Girls anyone?

I digress.

Her book is a memoir of sorts - the kind to which I think most people can actually relate. She and I were roommates during her second year of her MBA and my senior year of my Accounting degree, so I especially loved to read about those years (Both of these programs were highly competitive, and very top heavy in the dude department. We especially bonded over our mutual dislike of the chauvinistic tendencies of our classmates and program directors.)

The book follows her from K-12, Undergraduate and then finally Graduate. It was truly fantastic. My favorite parts were reading about her experience playing the lead in The Music Man in high school, her commentary on the swim suits at our conservative universities, and as mentioned her grad school experience that I watched from the outside. I had all but forgotten about some of those stories.

I laughed a lot, I got a little misty eyed, and overall enjoyed it 100 percent.

So go read Schooled. You'll love it.

Growing Up Thought No. 395830

Probably once or twice a year, I come down with something. Either the flu, a cold, or as recent history illustrates a mysterious tonsil illness brought on by what I'll vaguely refer to here as a bad month.

Every time I do, I'm grateful for health. I also realize I'm a big baby.

I've been independent from my parents for quite some time now, but I was never as grateful in the moment as I should have been when I got sick and my mom took care of me. She'd make me soup, bring me water and juice, and just plain make me feel better.

Now it's up to me to pull myself out of bed to get a drink, or make something to eat, or dig through my cabinet for some medicine. I realize that life will never be the same as it was.

These are adult things and they are so different. Why did I have to grow up?

Day 17: Music Junkie

I love me some tunes. Give me a good lyricist, a fantastic musical composition, and a decent singer and I'm sold on a band. My all-time favorite musician/band is Better Than Ezra. Since I was a kid listening to my brothers' band/musical selection (complete with Led Zeppelin, Rush, & AC/DC), I loved Better Than Ezra. I also got hooked on Toad the Wet Sprocket. I've been lucky enough to have seen Toad once in concert (if only they'd go on tour this way!) and have been happily obliged to see BTE on a number of occasions. Kevin Griffin is a talented singer/songwriter. The guys are hilarious on stage. And I think the best thing about them is that they have never really "made it big" which translates into smaller, more intimate venues for concerts/shows. I love these guys.

On the band front, I'm also a fan of the following:



On the musician front, I love this guy:

And this guy:


And this guy:

Day 16: Some Poetry

One of my favorites, by Nina Cassian (translated by Michael Impey and Brian Swann)

Ordeal

I promise to make you more alive than you've ever been.
For the first time you'll see your pores opening
like the gills of fish and you'll hear
the noise of blood in galleries
and feel light gliding on your corneas
like the dragging of a dress across the floor.
For the first time, you'll note gravity's prick
like a thorn in your heel,
and your shoulder blades will hurt from the imperative of wings.
I promise to make you so alive that
the fall of dust on furniture will deafen you,
and you'll feel your eyebrows like two wounds forming
and your memories will seem to begin
with the creation of the world.

And one that I wrote (10.8.2005)

Raw

All the times I wish I'd done or said something meaningful.
All the ways I could have shown you that this is who I am.
We keep moments to ourselves mostly because we are afraid.
Afraid of the intimacy that might ruin everything.
Oh the ways that we mess things up because of fear.
Why can't we let things go?
And live
For just a brief moment
Open our hearts and let the rain of tears fall
Like waterfalls
And make ourselves vulnerable
Because the raw moments are the beautiful ones
They are what make life worth living.
The fear of losing your respect, your love, or whatever it may be
Has actually held me back
From the raw moments.
Raw moments that become a breath of fresh, mountain air
That keep us going.
That keep us more than just surviving.
But cherishing everything that makes us who we are
No matter how raw or real or scary these things may be
Live the raw life.
With excitement for each new day...
With emotions on edge...
That is really living.
To know emotions, to know ourselves, to love, to cry, to laugh, to cherish.
Let go.
Live raw.
Be real.

gut check

I went on a deleting spree in my Facebook friends tonight.

No regrets, apologies, or explanations.

On Vulnerability

I hate being vulnerable. All my friends know it, and a few sympathize with it. Brené Brown gave this Ted Talk back in June 2010, and an inspired friend pointed me to it.

Ms. Brown makes some very interesting and heavy thoughts about vulnerability and its hand in allowing us to feel joy and gratitude and love. She also makes an interesting correlation between our ability to feel worthy of love and acceptance and our ability to be vulnerable. I'm still chewing on it, but thought it definitely worth sharing.

Day 15: Bad Habits

Where do I begin?

I have a lot of bad habits. Some of the worst include going to sleep to a TV show or a movie, coupled with another bad habit, sleeping with my glasses on (I'm kind of surprised they're still in one piece). And then there's the whole speaking my mind pretty much whenever I want (we're working on building that tact I once had back up).

There are more, trust me, but more important than listing them all here is committing that I will try to be a better person each day.

But I'll probably still watch TV/movies right before bed.